Mediocrity is My Middle Name

Day 33 – February 2, 2012
Mediocrity is My Middle Name

Today was the most infuriating day! UAWDFHAWEIFJ#(UADJSOFvqnur89iowaekdjf jflkd

I had an audition at 11 this morning. It was probably the first true dancer call I have gone to. It was a disaster! I was slightly worried about it going into it but I had no idea how bad it would. We were in a room the size of my bathroom, on the most slippery floor and we learned 6-8 8 counts in a matter of minutes. Oh and just about every move was the exact same. A lot of weight and direction changes etc….There was nothing I couldn’t do but there was no way I was going to learn it that fast. And on top of all of that, squeeze out a smile! Nope…didn’t happen. Not a lot of the other people got it either but they were better dancers technique-wise so their messing up looked a lot better than mine. I rely on my performance so outweigh the technique and well…none of it existed. It was so embarrassing and depressing. To make matters even worse, all the people that were there that were worlds better than me were all in Emerson and BoCo students. I have a DEGREE AND I STILL SUCK! UUgghhhh!! I am just at so much of a loss as to what I should do. What is the next step for my career? For me life? Not to be dramatic but what is the point of pursuing a career in something I am mediocre at??? I am going up against 18 yr olds that are way better than me. It seems like the simple answer is to keep training and keep taking more classes. Was the couple hundred grand I already paid for training and classes not enough?  We can not afford all the classes I need to get to the level I need to be. Since we moved to Boston, I have been marketing myself as a dancer. I am really not a strong enough singer or actor for those things to carry me through auditions and now apparently not a good enough dancer. I am exhausted. I am out of options. I am truly at a loss. I have no idea what to do with myself. I am almost 25 and I am not at a professional level of ANYTHING! I feel like I have just royally screwed myself over because I listened to so many people lie to me and tell me that I was talented enough to pursue performing as a career. I am so angry at all of those people. at myself, at all of the stupid 18 year olds who are way better than me and 100 other things. The worst part is that every few weeks when I am paying the bills for my “education” I am constantly reminded that I am not good enough AND just in case that isn’t enough damage, I get to damage my pocketbook as well that I am spend 90% of my time filling with stupid filler jobs that I am also, ironically enough, MEDIOCRE AT! I am stuck somewhere in between decent-ish community theatre and theatre that pays the bills………Not a fun place to be. I have this little “I suck” epiphany every so often but I have never felt so certain about actually quitting as I feel today. It is just about the point of no return…

So as a result of all of this, I decided the rest of my day would be spent in bed in comfy clothes eating girl scout cookies. Believe it or not, this didn’t really end well either. I felt pretty sick after all those cookies but they were delicious DAMNIT and I deserved them.

AND just in case I hadn’t danced enough for one day, I had a dance rehearsal for Wild Party tonight. Just what I wanted to do. It was a lot better than the audition, that’s for sure. It just made me realize even more that I am doing theatre with people who are really good at other things and those things are their day jobs. I am one of the few people in the cast actually pursuing it as a career. I don’t have a day job that is my career. I am not good at anything else and the best I can do is community theatre….I think that is a sign that something is wrong. This probably isn’t the path for me. It’s a sad reality but sooner or later I need to be real with myself. No one else will tell me the truth so I think I just need to discover it for myself…I knew going into this show that I would discover how I really felt about this industry and career. I told myself before it started “However you feel during the process of this show will determine if this is really for you.” I still have a month and a half to really decide the outcome but so far, not looking so good.

There is really no point is the end-of-blog superlatives. I think we all know what they would be like……

Favorite: Cookies

Least Favorite: ….see above…

What I Learned: ….see above…

Thankful: Cookies

Do Differently: not suck…

yeah…something like that….

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2 thoughts on “Mediocrity is My Middle Name

  1. Hey Chelcy!

    Hope you’re feeling better from this post. Just wanted to say that I hope you do NOT give up. You are certainly talented. If it helps, my friends and I graduated from AMDA is 2007 and they are just NOW getting TV gigs. They’re getting them all the time though…one was just on The New Girl and another was on Modern Family, so don’t worry at all! It will happen!

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